And The Cardinal Hits The Window
Jun. 26th, 2016 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Fandom: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure
Pairing: Jotaro Kujo/Noriaki Kakyoin
Rating: G
Word count: 1,323
Summary: A certain summer. There's this kid who Jotaro sees every few days around town.
Note: Originally posted on my tumblr 10/6/2015, then edited and posted to my AO3 5/20/2015. Title from Sufjan Stevens' "Casimir Pulaski Day." See more detailed notes at the end!
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It’s a certain summer, and Jotaro has found himself hanging out with the wrong crowd. Anything to get out of the house. They’re kids he doesn’t like, but they like him. He’s spending all of his time drinking and smoking and breaking shit with or without them because he feels dead inside. Hollow. Drained dry of whatever used to constitute for a soul. He can’t remember what real feeling is, and just wants to feel like an actual person for once. Not a shell. Not a robot.
There’s this kid he sees every few days around town.
He’s always by himself, and even on the hottest, muggiest days, where even Jotaro has stripped down to a tank top, he’s always wearing long sleeved shirts. He has weird hair. He has earrings – they flash and glint when he moves his head. He reads a lot and perpetually looks unsettled, but at the same time self-assured.
Jotaro sees… something in him, he doesn’t know what. Maybe he’s projecting his own desire for a connection that actually feels important with someone, whatever, who cares anymore. But he sees something and can’t take his eyes off this kid whenever he sees him. His eyes cling to him until he’s turned a corner and is out of sight, something in his gut churning. His ribs tingle with the sudden compulsion to chase after him, touch his shoulder, ascertain that he’s real.
But he’s always with his own friends and they shuttle him along and laugh at the kid from just out of earshot - one of the guys goes to the same school as the kid, says he’s a loner and never talks to anyone except himself sometimes, thinks he’s better than everyone. Bright red hair, there’s no way he doesn’t dye it, the queer. Always has his nose buried in a book, never takes off the winter uniform, fuckin’ weirdo. There are some freaky rumors about him, too, man, don’t even get me started.
Jotaro had never asked after that information. It just came up in conversation one time as they passed the kid, who was sitting under a tree in the park across the street. Jotaro thought he was drawing, but he couldn’t be sure. Wasn’t close enough to be sure.
Last week, when he was walking alone to the convenience store, he saw the kid walking down the sidewalk towards him, totally lost in thought, spacing out. Jotaro thought about what he would do when they passed. Bump his shoulder, have it look like a coincidence. Stop and say hello, properly introduce himself. Ask him to lunch. He just wanted to establish a relationship that didn’t feel like suffocation or miles apart, and he wants it to be this kid, because he can feel in his gut that he could, if he wanted to. This kid could be important. This kid could mean something, for once.
About 30 feet away from colliding, the kid looked up and noticed him, and his eyes widened and he shrank, all of a sudden. Drew in on himself. Shoulders hunched, eyes down. Then he crossed the street at the next available crosswalk. Didn’t look back.
Jotaro wasn’t sure if the kid recognized him at all or not. If he didn’t, that’s okay, he guesses. Maybe he’s just shy. (Maybe he’s just shy.) If he didrecognize him, then that’s more of a problem; some members of the group he hangs around have pulled some shit on this kid. Jotaro has never been there when it happened, but he heard about it after, in youthfully cruel boasts that drew snickers from the others and a curdling in Jotaro’s stomach. He just wants to meet this kid on his own terms, with no mistakes and no preconceived notions. Nothing but the truth. Sincerity.
This summer, there’s weeks of Jotaro’s eyes trailing after this kid but never speaking to him, never interacting, just longing and wondering from afar what it would be like, learning who this kid is, speaking to him. Wanting to escape his current group and his empty life and finding someoneand something that actually has significance to him.
But he never talks to him. Either Jotaro’s with his group (which isn’t the first impression he wants to make, he finds he hates them, hates himself) or he can’t summon up the bravery. He wants so desperately to win the other’s favor. He wants so desperately to learn his name.
His head and dreams and thoughts are full of what this kid could be like, what they could be like, what his life would be like if he had something of meaning in it. All centered around this kid who he’s never seen say a word, but once he saw what was in his sketchbook
(he was in the library picking up a book for his father - his mother died three years ago, so his father had stopped touring for once and now he works from home - and the kid was at a table in the corner painting in watercolors, some sort of robot or something, Jotaro wasn’t sure, he didn’t dare get close enough to see, he was caught off guard and left quickly)
and some part of him, some stupid part of him, says that he’s in love, but he doesn’t know what that means.
And he can’t be in love with him. They’ve never even said a word to each other.
Towards the end of summer Jotaro stops seeing the kid. Not in the park, the shops, the beach, the library. Nowhere. He starts walking around town looking for him, all day, all day and into the night, just making circles and slowly getting more anxious. He feels like he’s losing his mind. He pinned so many hopes and dreams and some of the only genuine feeling he’s had for a while now on this kid, he can’t lose him. Not yet. Oh god, not yet. He hasn’t made his first impression.
One of the group who goes to the same school as the kid, he says he heard that he died or moved or something. Jotaro stops hearing at that exact moment. The guy who said it is laughing, shrugging it off, like it isn’t important, like a bright future isn’t collapsing in on itself like a condemned building. Jotaro can’t hear any following details over the rush of blood in his ears, the screaming fury and denial thrashing in his head. He punches the guy in the face, a part of him howling in satisfaction while the rest dissolves into white noise, and just runs, ignoring the shouts of the other boys behind him.
He can’t believe it. He never learned his name. He hadn’t said a word. He hadn’t even made eye contact besides that one time, only just two weeks ago, it was evening, fireworks were going off, it was in the corner of the park and it was dark except for the colored lights sparkling up the sky, fleeting and ephemeral and radiant, and he was under a tree and he looked to his right and underneath another tree there was the kid, he was looking up at the sky and he had this tiny smile on his face and Jotaro had never seen anything more beautiful in his life. He had felt something bloom for a second within himself in that moment, that instant.
And then the kid looked out of the corner of his eye and saw Jotaro staring at him as if he was the sun, the moons, the stars, and he looked so scared, terrified beyond belief, but his smile stayed and he gave Jotaro the kindest look he’s received for years. And for five seconds they looked at each other, and then the kid got up and brushed himself off and walked away, and Jotaro couldn’t help but look after him as he disappeared down the street.
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Additional Notes:
Here's a soundtrack post for this ficlet, if you want a sense for the dreamy tone I was trying to impart. And also a sense for how much I love Sufjan Stevens.
This is an AU where Holly died a few years before, leaving Jotaro even more fucked up than I think he is in canon. This can also be an AU where there are no stands, though that may just be the Joestars - I left it ambiguous if Kakyoin still has Hierophant Green. Up to you. Jotaro doesn't know! Jotaro doesn't know a damn thing, my guy. The king of lost chances.